Friday, August 13, 2010

Hunky Husband vs Craigslist Furniture Seller: “What Kind of Douche Bag Puts His Espresso Cup on a White Desk?”

Now that I’ve been married for one month (yes…a lot has happened since my text break-up days) I’m ready to shop at grown-up stores like Pottery Barn. I’ve been jonesing for the White Bedford Corner Desk in white antique finish—it is my dream desk. But I don’t want to pay the top dollar PB wants… so naturally I’ve been stalking Craigslist to find a White one.

Ring, ring.

“Hey honey,” answered Hunky Husband.

“Guess what?!” I squealed. “I found the dream desk on Craigslist!”

“Oh yeah?” said HH. “What’s the story?”

“Corner desk with matching chair,” I started.

“So far so good….,” said HH.

“Two-drawer -file cabinets and desk protector,” I read. “For $600..”

“Awesome…” said HH.

“The only downside is that its espresso stained,” I added. “But I can get over that, it comes with the chair and protector – which is usually $1,200.”

“Hmm,” said HH suddenly distracted. “Oh shit! I’m late for a meeting. Talk to you tonight—love you.”

**5 hours later **

“So, I emailed the Craigslist guy,” I said. “And he dropped the price to $550,” I said.

“Yeah,” huffed HH. “I’m sure he did”.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Is that guy high or something?!” said HH.

“He didn’t mention it,” I said. “Why?”

“I mean the guy thinks he can sell a desk with freakin’ coffee stains all over it,” said HH. “I mean –“

“Hey hun-“ I interjected.

“..What kind of douche bag puts his espresso cup on a white desk everyday and just lets it stain?” said HH. “And then tries to sell it for $600?!”

“Well—“ I said.

“What an idiot! Why didn’t he put a coaster down?” he ranted. “Geez..didn’t he notice little coffee rings all over the place?”

“Babe—“ I said.

“There’s no way in hell we’re buying it,” HH said shaking his head. “Yeah?”

“The desk isn’t white,” I explained. “Espresso stain is the color of the wood.”

“Oh,” said HH.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I’m in the doghouse with my dog sitter: "Would you like walking around with 3-days of poop caked to your butt?”

My 43-year old dog sitter is a bit of a hoarder and a hermit. She has racks and racks of clothes in the middle of her living room and has yard sales every week, but never lets anyone buy anything. She's also obsessed with her dog Blossom and all other dogs. Whether she's telling me the latest on puppy news or telling me the latest neighborhood 'doggie gossip,' I always leave her place with a lesson. Always.

Knock. Knock.

“Hi Maureen” I said. “I’m here to pick up Paige.”

“Just a minute,” said Maureen with a lisp. “How was Palm Springs?”

“It was great, very hot,” I said outside her door. “Thanks so much for watching Paige, was she good?”

“Ummmmm….well,” said Maureen unlocking her six deadbolts. Her thick red frizzy hair was greasier than usual. She wore her usual stained gray t-shirt and matching gray stretch pants.

“She played really well with Blossom and shared toys…”she said.

“That’s great” I replied.

“So, when you dropped her off there was poop all over her butt,” she said bluntly.

“Excuse me?” I asked very surprised.

“Poop was caked all over her butt,” stated Maureen. “It was all sticky in her hair—it was like super glue.”

“Oh, geez,” I said.

“I had to cut it out with my sewing scissors,” said Maureen.

“Wow, sewing scissors?” I said trying to recall 3 days earlier. “I don’t remember there being a ‘situation’ when I dropped her off. I wonder how that happened.”

Maureen stared me down for about 20 seconds.

“It happened because you didn’t wipe her butt,” she said very annoyed.

“Oh, Maureen, I’m sorry” I said awkwardly. “But…she is a dog and goes to the bathroom outside..."

“Baby-wipe her butt,” she said simply.

Maureen roller her eyes and said, “I mean, would you like walking around with 3-days of poop caked to your butt?”

“No,” I replied. "I wouldn't."